Simple.

For now, this blog is simple.

There are no fancy backgrounds, crazy buttons, confusing photographs, or about me sections. This blog is meant to serve a purpose. That purpose being a deeper happiness and appreciation for life. I haven't always been the best writer and honestly I don't expect to ever become the best writer but I know that writing things down makes them seem significant, and lately, that's what I need. Significance.

Now before you feel like I hate my life and think that I am dark and dreary, I promise you I am not. I am a normal person trying to create more for myself. That's something we can all relate to right?

This weekend as I watched General Conference I started to feel as though I needed to stop hiding and start to accept my flaws and know that others love me no matter what and recognize that there are more people who are going through exactly what I am. So I decided to create a journey for myself, a journey to a better me. I know that if I document this journey I will appreciate it a lot more but, more importantly, I will remember it.  I want to remember my hard times because then if it ever happens again, I can remember how to overcome it.

So here goes nothing.

I have 2 beautiful sons. A 21 month old and a 3 months old. They are almost 18 months apart.. to the day. My blog title is inspired by them because they are my little surprises but the best surprises I have ever received. When my second son was born I knew something didn't feel right. I didn't feel a connection to him like I thought I should and I spent my days and nights crying and feeling so much guilt for not feeling the way I wanted to and the way I was supposed to as a mother. Don't get me wrong. I knew I loved him deeply but I had the hardest time understanding why I didn't feel normal. Or like a normal mother should. I should've been happy to have a beautiful, squishy, delicious little human being, but I wasn't. I was sad. I was overwhelmed. I was exhausted. Although I felt like I was lacking a certain connection to my son, I had an undeniable pit in my stomach any time I was away. I was terrified that something was going to happen to me. I was constantly convinced that tragedy was on its way. My husband would leave the house and irrational anxiety would overcome me. The more I felt these things, the more I realized it wasn't normal. I have friends and family members who have struggled with depression and noticed myself slipping into the same patterns that I had seen them have before. I wasn't eating. I wasn't sleeping. I was ultra sensitive. I never felt in control of my emotions. And I shut my husband and family out. I knew I needed to get help but I kept putting it off and convinced myself that it was just the baby blues and I would overcome it. But I didn't.

I hit a breaking point one day and I will never forget the embarrassment that I felt as I told my husband that I didn't feel like me anymore and that I was lacking a special connection with our newborn. But my husband, being the amazing person he is, comforted me and made me feel a little less crazy. He strongly urged me to talk to my doctor. He was right. That's exactly what I needed to do. I contacted her as soon as I could and made an appointment for the following week. A couple of days later I talked to my mom about how I was feeling and she helped me understand that I wasn't alone. She opened my eyes to the fact that many woman struggle exactly the way that I was struggling. She helped me believe that I could get through this.

I met with my doctor and explained my feelings the best I could through the uncontrollable sobbing that overcame me the second she walked into the room. She took my hand and said "Kelsi, you ARE a great mother. You are HERE." She continued to tell me that a lot of woman hide behind their feelings and create a bad situation for themselves and their families. She told me I had postpartum depression. She suggested I take a medicine that could balance the hormones in my brain that pregnancy and other circumstances had altered. At first I was hesitant. If you know me, you know I hate taking pills. I believe in natural healing like meditation and relaxation. I have trained myself over the years to relax myself through breathing or exercise and so the thought of taking a pill that messed with my brain kinda freaked me out. Okay.. It REALLY freaked me out. I told my doctor the concerns I had and the anxiety the thought of the medication had given me and she suggested I talk to my husband and just think it over for a few days.

After a lot of conversations with my husband and other family members I decided to try the medicine. I was feeling hopeless and I just knew I wanted to feel better. I wanted to be me again.

Until now, I haven't talked to many people about this. I have been embarrassed and ashamed. I realize now that its okay. Its normal. I am not crazy. I am a normal mother of two who just happens to have a medical condition. A medical condition that is real and common. More common then I knew. I am proud of the progress I have made and I wake up every day feeling blessed to be a mother and wife. I love life. I am seeing it clearly again. I know I am beautiful, I know I am a good mother, and I know that I am significant. I love my boys more than anything in this world. They are my pride and joy and the reason I want to get better.

Enough about that, I want to get to the journey part of this post. I just wanted you all to get a feel of why I decided to start this blog and why it means so much to me. Also, I wanted to stop being ashamed and start being proud.

Awhile ago I read a friend of a friends blog and she has a son a little bit older that my first and she noticed herself falling into a routine that she didn't want. Like many new moms her grooming habits lacked, she wore pjs more than normal clothes, her hair was never done, and she stopped caring about her outward appearance. She quickly learned that her outward appearance effected her inward thoughts. She stopped feeling beautiful. She stopped feeling special. She stopped feeling like herself. So this sweet momma decided to make a change. She said that for 30 days she was going to get ready. She was going to take the pjs off, put make up on, and create a more productive and energetic life for herself.

LIGHT BULB. Duh. We all know that when we look our best, we feel our best. I was reminded by a friend of this sweet girls blog and I decided to do my own version of her challenge. I want to take it a step further. I want to not only take better care of my outward appearance, but I want to take care of my body on the inside. I want to eat better and exercise more, simple as that. I have two boys to keep up with so I need to get in shape sometime or another. I also want to improve and expand my heart. I want to serve others more, and I want to take more time for myself to expand my knowledge of things that I love. Look good, feel good. Right?

So for the next 30 days (and hopefully more) I am going to document this journey of mine. At the end of the 30 days I want to love myself and others more, I want to feel better inside and out, And I want to just create an all around better Kelsi.

I hope you will join me. I would love to hear your stories and I would love to feel your support. I hope that if you are struggling with depression or any other sort of mental disorder that you realize you are not alone. You are special and you are loved. Don't be ashamed and don't be afraid to seek help if you need it.

I'm so excited to start the journey to a better me and I can't wait for you all to be along for the ride!

Disclaimer: Expect an excessive amount of selfies. I have to prove I'm actually getting ready every day right?

XOXO, Kelsi.

ps. I will totally jazz up my blog once I get into a solid self improving routine, until then.. disregard the totally boring outline :)